This Weirdness They Call Love
by Zanaril
Summary: A random collection of short crack pairings.
1. Vaarsuvius x Blackwing

"Begone you infernal avian! Shoo!" The purple lizard's legs scuttled as fast as they could, but even then the raven's claws scraped across its back as the bird pulled out of a dive. Vaarsuvius rolled out of the way to avoid the next attack, but at the third attempt Blackwing caught the little lizard in his claws, then flew up high into the air. Vaarsuvius twisted in an attempt to scratch the familiar with it's own claws, and with a caw the raven let go, leaving the lizard to plummet down towards the trees.

"Feather Fall." Vaarsuvius landed lightly on a thin branch and looked around for a moment, trying to get its bearings. Then it scrabbled along the branch towards the tree trunk, paused, and jumped down onto a branch a few feet below, tiny claws digging into the bark. V leapt to the next branch, but misjudged the distance and only caught it with its front claws. Panicking, the lizard scrabbled againt the branch with its back feet for few seconds, then stopped to catch it's breath, hanging precariously above the forest floor.

Vaarsuvius was trying to work out whether a fall from that height would be fatal when there was a rustling of wings from above.

"Oh no."

Blackwing landed on the branch next to the struggling wizard, then with surprising care reached out a claw and took hold of its struggling body, pulling it fully onto the branch. Pinning the lizard to the branch with one foot, he tilted his head, beady eyes observing the reptile.

"Er, thank you? You can let me go now. Let me go now please. Please? Wait, what are you doing?!"

The raven had moved closer and was rubbing the side of his head againt the lizard, eyes closed. He then started gently pecking the plume on the lizard's back, cawing softly.

"Help!"


	2. The IFCC x The Reanimated Dragon Head

Finally, once certain the action was over, the IFCC turned off the HD TV. Yellow Eyes stood and stretched (which for a fiend involves a lot more stretching than it would for a mortal).

"Well."

"Well?" Orange Eyes asked.

"Suppose I had better go and organise a search for those souls."

"Hmm." Purple Eyes said distractedly, still looking contemplatively at the screen. "Er, you know when the elf was fighting the dragon..."

"Yes?"

"Yes?"

"And then reanimated the dragon's head?"

"We were watching too."

"Er, were either of you... a little bit turned on?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Now you mention it..." Orange Eyes hazarded.

"It certainly was rather attractive." Yellow said.

"I was thinking" Purple said "it would be such a shame to let that dead dragon go to waste."

There was another awkward silence, then:

"To the Fiend Mobile!"

***

The three fiends materialised on the mortal plane a few yards away from the cottage, under cover of the trees.

"Oh bless it, that elf's there." Orange said disgruntledly.

"Not to fear!" Yellow said "I have an idea!"

"What did I tell you about the rhyming?"

Ignoring Purple Eyes, Yellow was momentarily engulfed in yellow flame. When the smoke cleared, he was wearing-

"A police uniform? Are you nuts?"

"Actually, that might just work." Purple said, changing his robes to match.

"Fine, but we keep the hoods. I have a zit on my chin."

"If I were you, I'd be worrying more about the fungus on your eye-stalks."

"Shut up! It's a beauty accessory!"

A few moments later they strode confidently into the remains of the front garden. Inkyrius jumped, and stared up at the three tall figures.

"Er... hello? Who are you?"

"Police."

"We're here about the dragon attack."

"We need to take the dragon's corpse away-"

"-for questioning."

"Oh." Inkyrius said, wide-eyed. "Er... but it's dead? Right?"

"Magical questioning."

"Oh. I see. Er, why are you so tall?"

The IFCC's hoods shifted slightly, as though they were all looking at each other for ideas.

"...It's a disease."

"Unstoppable growth."

"We all caught it over at the police station."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear it. There's a cleric in the village you know. Have you tried-"

"We have learnt to live with out ailment."

"Well, good for you I suppose."

The three members of the IFCC headed over to the dragon, lifting it effortlessly between them. "I found the head!" Purple yelled gleefully.

"Excellent." And without further ado they all plane shifted out, taking the dragon with them.

Inkyrius was left staring at the spot where they disappeared, then went inside and hid under what was left of the kitchen table in case anything else turned up today.

***

"Finally, I can get out of this stupid uniform." Yellow said, beginning to undo the shirt buttons.

"Actually" Purple said "I though maybe we could keep them on. At least to start with."

Yellow and Orange exchanged glances. "I certainly see the logic behind that."

"I do too."


	3. Vaarsuvius x Inkyrius x Aarindarius

Vaarsuvius stared in horror. "But you... him...I..."

Aarindarius blushed, moving away from the elf he had until a moment ago been passionately locking lips with. Inkyrius just scowled, glaring at the ex-mate that had just burst into the wizard's tower babbling apologies.

"You're_ surprised_?" Inkyrius said incredulously, as Aarindarius pulled his robe back on.

"How _could_ you?" V said, too distressed to think of anything else to say.

"You're no longer my mate, you agreed to that. You expected me never to find love again?"

"But... with Aarindarius?!"

"We've always been close. And Inkyrius does have a point; you no longer have any say in these matters." The other wizard said with a shrug.

"But..." Vaarsuvius said, turning back to Inkyrius. "I still love you." The elf whispered.

"I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Aarindarius now. Unless..." Inkyrius turned to look at the older wizard, raising an eyebrow. Aarindarius considered for a second, then nodded, smiling.

"What-" Vaarsuvius started, then was silenced by Inkyrius' lips. The wizard hesitated, then uncertainly hugged the baker. And then jumped as someone else began stroking her hair; Aarindarius had stood up and walked over to them. Inkyrius broke away from the kiss.

"Lets go to my bedroom" The older wizard suggested, starting towards the stairs. Inkyrius followed, smiling and leading a confused Vaarsuvius by the hand.


	4. Belkar x Therkla

Of all the stupid ways of dying it had to be this. So much for being a sexy god of war. Belkar's soul groaned and opened his eyes, only to be pulled backwards and a slender green hand clamped over his mouth, muffling further protests.

"Shh!" a soft voice whispered in his ear. Belkar twisted out of his captor's grasp then stopped and smirked as he caught sight of the female half-orc. Well_ hello_. They were crouched behind a cluster of sharp rocks that lined the edges of a large cavern, the walls floor and celing red rock. Belkar's sensative nose was overwhelmed by the smell of burning.

"Where the hell are we?!" He hissed, crouching out of sight next to her.

"Somewhere in the lower planes." The girl muttered. "Now shut up, or someone will notice us!".

"what are you-"

"Come on!" she said, suddenly grabbing the halfing by the back of his shirt and dodging out of the rocks and down a dark corridor. "I was doing fine and then you had pop up right next to me!" She exclamed.

Belkar struggled to get his feet touching the floor "Why are we running?"

"Because I'm getting out of here"

"But there's no-one aro-"

"The secrity cameras don't cover this area for a few seconds every ten minutes" Suddenly she dodged into a small side passage and crouched down in the gloom. Belkar scurried in behind her.

She was wearing a tight-fitting ninja outfit, the hood pulled back to reveal long, thick wavy green hair. Her curved silhouette was outlined against the lighted tunned. Belkar admired the view.

"There's a way out along here, I heard some fiends talking about it. Nobody's spotted me yet for some reason, so I though I had a shot at escaping. lets go!"

She dodged out of the darkness and hurtled along the passageway Belkar close on her heels. And it did seem that the air was getting fresher,the distant screams more distant, and the tunnel was beginning to slope steeply up. Suddenly up ahead the sky could be seen brightly through the mouth of the tunnel, and in a few seconds they were out in sunlight on a rocky plain, surrounded by distant mountains. Belkar glanced back. The same terrain extended far in every direction, and no opening in the ground could be seen. He shrugged and ran on to catch up with the ninja girl.

"Lucky I was so near the exit eh?" Belkar commented

"Lets get away from here, just in case anyone can follow us." She said.

"So... any idea where we are?"

"I think.. I think we're somewhere near Azure city! We can make our way there, we can't head out anywhere else without suppies."

"But aren't we dead?!" Belkar exclamed.

In response she quickly jabbed at his ear. "Ow!" the halfling exclamed, then lunged at her legs, trying to trip her.

"Seem like we're pretty rea- oof!" She stumbled and fell, the halfling still clinging her her legs. "Get off" She growled, kicking him away then rolling into a crouch. "What did you do that fo-"

She was cut off as Belkar grabbed her shoulders and covered her mouth with his. She tensed, then relaxed into his grasp as skilled hands tugged at her clothing.

"I'm- my name's Therkla" she gasped as they broke for breath.

"Whatever." Then he started kissing her again.


	5. Belkar x Therkla x Tsukiko

The scantly clad mage stood before them, hands on hips and a smug grin on her face.

They had been sneaking around the store rooms looking for food, when two undead creatures had come across them. They'd taken one down easily, but before they could dispatch the other one, it and raised an alert and run away from them calling for it's mummy.

"Don't think I've forgotten about you, you cat throwing bastard" Tsukiko sneered, leaning down and jabbing a finger at the halflings face. Belkar pulled back as much as the undead holding his arms would allow, and tried to keep his eyes on the goth's face.

"Look, if it helps I think you're really hot, and if that offer to joining your team is still-"

"Don't push your luck, shorty." she growled, and hit him across the face. "And does your girlfriend have anything to say" she rounded on Therkla, who was in a similar position to the halfling.

"...I think you're hot too?"

"Gah! Put them in with that damn paladin!" She said, taking to the air and flying off in a huff. Two pairs of eyes followed her departure.

"That really _is_ a short skirt." Therkla said with a grin as they were dragged away.


	6. Xykon x Vaarsuvius

Xykon didn't show it - he wasn't one to let his mannerisms reflect his thoughts, unless of course he wanted them too - but this elf fascinated him. There was something about the sheer arrogance and foolishness of the wizard that drew him to the elf. He wanted to hurt the elf, yes, but his finger bones twitched at the thought of touching that soft skin as he ripped it apart, seeing up close those delicate feature twist with pain.

He effortlessly hurled the crumbling section of wall from the battered elf who now lay powerless and dazed and grabbed it by the front of its cloak, pulling its prone form from the floor like a rag doll. He wrapped bony fingers around its slender neck. He could feel its rapid pulse. He squeezed.

The elf, coming back to its senses raised an arm, tried vainly to push him away. The sensation of its slender fingers against his bones was electrifying. He didn't let go, but relished in the feel of the elf's windpipe as it splintered, delighted in the soft muffled gasp of pain. Finally he felt the pulse beneath his fingers slow, the body go limp, the fragile life diminish.

Xykon let the elf's body fall back to the ground, and then glanced over to the caged paladin, who was rattling one of the bars of his cage futilely.

He looked back at the elf.

In death its features looked no less troubled; blood caked it's face and matted it's hair, it's slender upturned nose was bent, shattered; one eye was swollen shut. But it was still mesmerizing. And it would be a shame to let the body go to waste: he leant down, delicately placing a hand on each side of that slender face. **"Create Greater Undead."**

The undead elf opened softly glowing eyes, it's skin took on a greenish tint. To Xykon, in undeath it was only more beautiful. Xykon looked over to the paladin, who had sunk back onto the floor of the cage in despair.  
**  
"Let's go somewhere more... private."** the lich mused, looking back on the undead elf as it rose to its feet. He reached forward to touch its face, and the glow of his eye-sockets flared slightly as the elf shrank away.

"_No..."_

With a harsh laugh, the lich grabbed the newly undead creature by the front of its tattered robe, lifting it effortlessly off the ground and bringing it up level to where his face had once been.

"**I wasn't asking."**


	7. Sarah G x Zz'dtri

"Come on, it could be worse!"

"No."

The drow crossed his arms across his chest and pointedly turned away from the previously female human. Why couldn't they just ask for his soul and be done with it?

"I'm afraid, Mrs-" "Mr." "...Greenhilt, unless 'dtri also participates, the deal is off."

"So you'll just have to pursuade him. Take all the time you want."

The three cloaked figures stood patiently, unmoved.

Sarah Greenhilt sighed and walked over to the drow, who was unsuccessfully trying to cast a spell.

"Look" He said "your magic obviously isn't working and this is the only was off this damn rock. Stop being a wimp and put the belt on!"

"But-"

"Just do it!"

The three Fiends watched the exchange with some amusement. True, neither mortal seemed to know anything about the gates, and the circumstances that had led to them being trapped so were suspicious. But, they though as the disgruntled drow finally moved to put on the belt, maybe this trip to the mortal plane wouldn't be a waste after all.


	8. Varsuvius x The Snarl

Vaarsuvius stood before the rift, the soft pink light tainting everything it touched. This.. monstrosity. It was where the true blame behind their woes lay, for without it, what would there be to defend against? Xykon himself was a threat, yes, but without this his schemes could never match their current malice. Unlike the lich, this was a thing of neither benevolence nor malignancy. Only power.

The elf was breathing heavily without realising it, face tilted up, eyes almost closed. Lips parted in a sigh. And what was the cost of power? One's family? One's very soul? Power was seductive, in more ways than one. And the elf knew it. This was the true love of its life; not a caring spouse, not even careful study. Simply this pure, untapped potential presented before it, uncontrollable and untouchable. Oh but it was so tempting to try. The elf's feet had left the ground, held aloft by power which was but a toy in comparison. The elf edged closer. Just a little bit closer...


	9. Vaarsuvius x Julio Scoundrel

"Well, _hello_."

Vaarsuvius looked up sharply, her attention straying from the last half inch of beer in her glass and focusing dimly on the human that had just sat down at the bar. "I do not believe I know you."

He chuckled, and gave a mock bow. "Nor I you. What is a lovely... elf like you doing in these parts?" He gestured around the small tavern.

"That is none of your concern." Vaarsuvius relied moodily, draining the last of the beer. "Bartender, I require a refilling of my beverage." The elf dug around in a robe pocket for a handful of coins, but the human go there first.

"Let me buy that for you." He said, and his even and very white teeth bared in dazzling smile as he placed a few coppers on the bar. Vaarsuvius observed him coldly.

"I am quite capable of paying for my own drinks. Please leave me alone."

"Ah, but a pretty-" he paused, then took a gamble "…lady like yourself shouldn't have to be alone." He winked. "And that's where I come in."

Vaarsuvius leant away from the man, a slight pinkish tinge creeping across her face. But her expression was pure ice. "I will repeat this once more, and only once more: leave me alone."

Julio Scoundrel simply sat back and watched the elf, seeming unconcerned by the rebuttal. The elf's blush darkened a bit, and she hurriedly looked down, scowling into her drink. Julio merely smirked and tugged absent mindedly at his mustache.

"You seem upset about something. Penny for your thoughts?"

"I have already expressed my desire to be left alone. I do not wish to talk to you, human!" The elf stood up, meaning to storm out angrily, but the evenings drinking caught up with the elf and she stumbled, reaching out to grab the bar for support. Instead a firm hand caught her arm. She glared at the human, who simply stepped away and sat back down. The elf took a deep breath, trying to clear the alcohol-fuelled haze.

"Please stay. I simply wish for someone to talk to, and you appeared to be the most intelligible companion available."

Warily, the elf sat back down, still frowning at the human. "That did not appear your intent when you first addressed me."

He gave a light laugh, a pleasant sound which made the elf's ears twitch. He was rather good-looking, she had to admit. He was handsome with a youthful face, but there were the tell-tale signs of age creeping up too; the elf's sharp eyes picked out a few lighter strands of hair against the black, noted the faint lines at the corners of his eyes. The facial hair was rather off-putting, but then that was just one more aspect of humans the elf had never understood.

"Like what you see?"

The elf jumped "No, I… if you are going to be like that I will leave."

"Apologies madam. It is simply a bad habit of mine to be so forward when talking to females."

"That is evident." The elf muttered, reluctantly picking up the glass of beer and taking a sip.

"So tell me, why is an elf such as yourself drinking in a back-street bar of a airship port?"

"I believe you already asked me that."

"And I believe you didn't answer." He said, leaning forward on his elbows.

The elf sighed. "I am here following rumors of a potential source of arcane knowledge. It is nothing that would interest your type."

"My 'type'?"

"Those who bluff their way through life on a high Charisma, rather than utilizing logic and knowledge to make decisions." The elf snapped.

"Hmm, that's a pretty big accusation to make about someone you don't know." He tugged his mustache thoughtfully. "You think I'm, charismatic?"

"You are well aware of the fact, and undoubtedly use it to your benefit."

He laughed. "Well, maybe I do. Although it doesn't seem to be working for me recently."

"I know what you want, and you would be better served looking elsewhere. Go and talk to someone else. Maybe someone with a higher Charisma score."

Leaning further towards the elf, he rested a hand on his chin. "Why?"

The elf leant forward too, eyes burning. "Because you are obviously not really attracted to me! You are simply amusing yourself at my expense!"

The airship captain looked genuinely surprised. "I am not. You have already shown yourself to be intelligent and independent, both of which are traits I value highly. And besides, you belittle yourself; I do think you are pretty."

"I doubt it."

Without hesitation, the airship captain moved forward and kissed Vaarsuvius squarely on the lips. The elf's eyes widened, but there was a moment's pause before she pushed him away, breathing heavily. "Why did you do that?" The elf exclaimed, but the tone was more curious than angry.

"You want me."

Vaarsuvius looked away irritably, the blush now reaching the tips of her ears. "Maybe. What of it?"

Julio raised an eyebrow. "Why are you so opposed to the idea? We're both adults capable of making our own decisions."

"And if I decided I did want to?"

He slipped an arm around her waist and kissed her again, and this time she didn't push him away but cautiously leant into the kiss.

"I have a room rented at-" He started, but she cut him off.

"I do too. I would prefer to go there."

He inclined his head, mouth twitching into a smile. "On your terms then."

They kissed again, more deeply and more desperately, and then while they still had control of their actions, they walked out of the bar hand in hand.


End file.
